You know what bugs me? People who can't wrap their heads around their own native language bug me. It drives me nanners. To wit: "Xavier". Why is it that I've only ever met maybe 2 people who have demonstrated the correct pronunciation? I once worked for a Mr. E. X. Harkins who mispronounced his own middle name. I knew a guy who named his kid Xavier and didn't know how to fucking say the name. So I'll put it here. For the record. To be immortalized just so somewhere out in the ether of the internet, a glimmer or truth shall shine. It is not pronounced "Ex-savior", like you just told Jesus to take a hike because he's not welcome around these parts anymore. It is pronounced just like it's spelled. "Zavier". You know how "x" sounds like a z at the beginning of a word? Like "xerox" or "xerxes"? Yeah, that's exactly how it works. Compare it to pronouncing "Robert" as "Arr-obert". Same thing. You couldn't figure that out, huh? Too bad. Perhaps you ought to be permanently institutionalized with others who are hoplessly, helplessly retarded to the point of being unable to function even minimally when so much as exposed to society even for a trip to the zoo. You're too stupid to see the antelopes. You don't deserve to. Now we can move on to the difference between "you're" and "your". Also, "there", "their", and "they're" causes people problems, as do "its" and "it's". I'm not actually gonna go into that shit. Here's the rule of thumb: If you've reached double digits in age and you aren't sure which to use, cover yourself in gas and set yourself on fire. See, it's simple. And if you pluralize nouns by adding an " apostrophe ess " (or " 's " , as it's [Please note proper use of "it's", the contracted form of "it is" or "it has" as opposed to "its" which is the posessive of "it". Also note proper bracketing technique.] known) you may send me the entire contents of your bank account(s) before proceeding to climb into a woodchipper while on fire. I'm only trying to help.
4 comments:
My favorite grammar story (and it says a lot about me that I have a favorite grammar story) is from Lynne Truss' Eats, Shoots & Leaves. Apparently, someone who was gifted in not only punctuation, but also tolerance, painted "Nigger's Out" on a wall. Fortunately, someone else added "But he'll be back shortly."
Oh man, that's a good one, all right.
This isn't a grammar story, but it's in a similar vein: I was standing in line at a bank. There was a lady also standing in that line who was muttering to herself. (she was one of the town crazies, actually, so everyone expected some fun.) She was standing in line right behind a black guy wearing a purple sweater. You could actually see her fighting the words that wanted to come out of her mouth, eventually her tourette's got the better of her and she yelled "Purple nigger! purple nigger!" at the top of her lungs, right there in the bank. And the guy in the sweater, he just told it like it was: "lady, you've got problems if you think niggers are purple." He couldn't have made a better retort.
Brilliant!
I wasn't expecting this, hahahaha. I have just recovered from a highly painful laughing fit. Fucking hilarious. The post. The comments. Whewwwwwwwwwww. You two have made my day.
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