Baseball

This, for the first time in all the 22 years I've given a shit about baseball, has the potential to be the darkest point in the history of the sport. I don't care about the steroid scandals, Canseco's douchebaggery or even Lou Gherig. For that matter, this is the first time I've ever found myself rooting for an NL team. I'm rooting for the Phillies because IF THEY LOSE, it will be worse than 1,000 Bill Buckners a-fumble. It will be worse than hooligans shaving off Rollie Fingers' mustache and feeding it to him. It will even be worse than a paradigm shift in stadiums, where you couldn't trust the people in your row to pass the money down to the peanut guy without keeping it. A florida team simply cannot be allowed to win. If they do, it will mean that FL teams in both leagues will have taken what is rightfully not theirs. 2003 was an absolute abomination. I could scarcely believe the shift in momentum when that asshole fan snatched the ball and scuttled the Cubs. It was a complete travesty of justice when the shittiest man in sports went to the series. I was beside myself when he was traded to the Red Sox, whom I can no longer root for until he's been traded away (but not to the Mariners, for the love of all that's decent, or I shall probably die), booted out of the game (a better option), or horribly maimed and crippled, which I sincerely hope happens. Beckett's a talented pitcher who plays like a pussy and happens to be the most colossal shithead in the history of the sport. I hope he gets sodomized with a splintered bat and dies. Enough of that tangent. The problem is florida. There is no state in the union I've ever had such antipathy toward. I loathe it. I fantasize about airplanes dusting concrete mix into the everglades, thus paving them. I want to see disney world burn to cinders. I want to see miami with all its tacky fucking people suffer the same fate as Dresden and Tokyo in WWII. Only more so. A nuke would never do, because it's too fucking merciful if you're close. I guess you could Drop nukes other places so everyone in miami just dies of radiation poisoning, which is a pretty awful way to go. The radiation kills all your white blood cells, and the bacteria that naturally live in your body go ape: you begin to rot from the inside out. your hair falls out, your skin turns purple, and you bleed to death from every orifice, ebola-style. That would serve florida right. It's almost not enough, but let's be fair: florida gave us skynyrd, and skynyrd is pretty fucking awesome. Anyway, as you can well see, I cannot stomach the idea of the rays taking the series. I don't care that it's a fairytale rise from worst team in the game to first winning season to first postseason to first series, all in one year. Fuck them. Fuck them in the ass with a non-alloyed iron-bladed chainsaw in hell. And on the other hand you have the Phillies, the losingest team in the history of any sport. This is no clash of the titans, it's like watching the "cripple fight" episode of south park, but not funny. Here's the good part though. The rays will have to travel to Philadelphia. And fans in philly are the meanest fuckers on the continent. They boo anything. They fucking booed santa claus. They booed little kids looking for easter eggs. They would boo puppies if they had the chance. How do you think they'll respond to a gaggle of shitheels from florida trying to take what rightfully belongs to the Phillies?

They are the only reason I may watch a game of this series. To see them throw shit at the rays and give them the abuse they so richly deserve. Maybe a rays fan will make it up to philly and get put in the hospital. I hope so.