Gert Wilden and Orchestra - Schulmädchen report

OH man oh man oh man. This. This record, man. When it first came out in 1996, the local college radio station got a copy which it never played, but since I spent a fair amount of time over there, I was able to give it a listen and it was glorious. I eventually put it out of my mind and years later it popped into my head. "Oh! You need this! It's soooo good!" so I did, and again promptly forgot about it for the most part until today. So now a little backstory about this: Gert Wilden is (was?) a pop-orchestra leader in the vein of Hugo Montenegro back in the 60s. He was hired in 1970 to provide the soundtracks for a series of teen sex exploitation films known as "Schulmädchen Report". They made their way to the states eventually, playing in grindhouse theaters and eventually getting banned because some of the 16 year olds getting exploited were actually 16 year olds getting exploited. 20-odd years later some awesome purveyor of awesomeness awesomely awesomed his awesome way into putting together an awesome compilation of awesome music from this awesome series of awesomely sleazy sleaze. It's a little heavy on the blues, which usually will make me shake my fist at the heavens and scream vulgarities until my voice gives, but here it's appropriate. There is a lot of fuzz-laden guitar and shit-hot organ. String sections and harmonicas. Horns and drums. A lot of the fun of this album is listening to it and trying to imagine what kind of grainy looking filth it accompanied. The second track, "Follow Me", is pretty much what you'd imagine a room full of naked stoned teenage girls would sound like if it were music. Title theme (II) is lovely elevator music with wistful voices going "aaaaahhhh" over a seductive trumpet with some harp thrown in for good measure in some spots. "Dirty beat" has some awesome dirty guitar work and a strutting sort of groove that makes me imagine some girl getting fucked by a guy in a chicken suit. He's got his hands on his hips and he's bobbing his head. Don't ask me why this is, but I swear to god it makes sense if you hear the song. "Getting blue" is sleazy and greasy with great stink-guitar. "Dirty boy" is great. "Ecstasy blues" is jazzy and cheesy in all the right spots. "Sexy girls" could almost be an Enka song. "Hot dance" is great go-go music. "Dirty dancing" is pure toe-tapping cheese with moaning over the top of it and some flute for good measure. Finally, "Little girls" is pure cheese with harmonica and "la la la" going on and you listen to it all "Man, did he REALLY call this 'Little girls'? I'm kind of bummed but it's actually really awesome that he did". The arrangements are brilliant, especially when you imagine them with the tits added the way the music was meant to be enjoyed. The tits and the orchestra together cause the whole to be greater than the sum of its parts. Overall it's 19 tracks of grandiose german porn music from the 70s. HOW CAN YOU LOSE???