HATE IT! Part 13 - Surrealistic Pillow

Again I've gone to the slop trough that is the Rolling Stone list of the 500 greatest albums of all time to elbow the swine of classic rock to the side and pull out a scrap of rotten food undeserving of its accolades. Honestly, what the fuck were those hippies thinking when they listened to this crap and thought it sounded good? Grace Slick could never sing for shit, none of the members could really play all that well, and how many fucking songs about drugs did they need to listen to anyway? "White rabbit" in all its jackass allegory can suck the corn out of a bum's diarrhea pants. "Somebody to love" was really nothing new when it came out, it was just shriekier than the other, poppier schmaltz of the time. Jerry Garcia produced it, but even he didn't seem to like these guys too much. If you watch "Gimme Shelter", there's a great scene where Hell's Angels punch Marty Balin in the face and knock him out, then when Paul Kantner steps up, they beat his ass too. Then we see the Grateful Dead show up and someone tells Jerry that Balin and Kantner got their asses kicked, and Garcia is standing there with this giant shit-eating grin on his face, saying "oh, bummer, man." Yeah, he was as stoked as I was. Why? BECAUSE THEY FUCKING SUCK. THEY SUCK SEVERED PENISES FILLED WITH PUS AND TOPPED WITH SHIT, LIKE SOME KIND OF VILE, DISEASED ECLAIR. Then eventually they wrote "we built this city" about how they fucking invented rock in that town or something, which ironically was the opposite of a song that rocks. So fuck 'em and fuck the RS person who put this pile of shit on the list.

HATE IT! part 11 - The tragically hip - Road apples

Wow, this is my 3rd go at getting this post up. I guess someone at google must really like these guys. I think there are too many warm fuzzies floating around this blog lately, so it's time to call shenanigans on some garbage. Well, these guys set the bar awfully low when they called their album "Road apples", but they didn't manage to live up even to that. According to Wikipedia, "The album is often cited by fans and critics as the band's finest work." I remember when this came out the critics were all stoked on it. Then I heard it and I couldn't for the life of me understand why they thought it was so good, or how anyone could get a job as a critic when they had such obvious defects in their judgement. This is the worst album of 1991. Think about that. Think about what came out in 1991 and Gerardo and Color me badd and everything else that happened (isn't that when Celine Dion made the scene, more or less?) and drink that in for just a minute, and then think about what it means when I say this is the worst album of 1991. Just think about what that means.

HATE IT! part 7 - Sandinista!

Oh, The Clash. Now here's a band I can sink my fangs into. My hollow, venomous cobra fangs.

"Gee, why do you hate The Clash so much?"

Really, I don't, strictly speaking. I have always had a real problem with them being labelled a Punk band. They damn sure started that way, but by the 3rd album the punk had been worked out of their systems and they had gotten down to the business of just making good rock music. Somewhere after that, however, they started believing their own press and bought into the whole "only band that matters" label. What did that get us? A triple-album. OK, people look back to the 70s and groan at the self indulgence of double albums (especially live ones) and wonder what the fuck went wrong. Now how the hell can anyone justify a triple album? Not even from Frank Zappa will I put up with that kind of shit. Especially when it's largely political bla-de-blah. I almost never will stand for politics in my music, whether I agree with said politics or not. Perhaps the greatest crime committed here, though, is the fact that "Police on my back" is the one and only good song to be culled from one hour, fourty-four minutes, and twenty-nine seconds of what is otherwise an exercise in self-indulgence, masturbation, and enjoying the smell of one's own farts. And it's an Eddy Grant cover. At 3:15, that leaves 1:41:14 of pure, unequivocally feculent trash. How into yourself do you have to be to do that to people? And guess what? They never lifted themselves back up from their slide into shitsville. This album is a headstone for what this band used to be as much as it's a triple-sized monument to their own willful failure. Queen had naked midgets with mountainous trays heaped with coke strapped to their heads, The Clash had the pleasure of listening to themselves bray about politics for almost 2 hours. They couldn't even get extravagance right. Fucking assholes.

HATE IT! part 6 - Led Zeppelin comes back up the U-bend to haunt us all

Really? Are you guys really going to do this? According to what I heard this morning on the BBC, Zep is going at it again. Ah, but here's the rub: Robert Plant has no plans to join the tour. Who, then, will be singing? According to the BBC, there's been no announcement, but the rumor mill has Chris Robinson high in the running. OK, so the guy's got a good set of pipes and he can shriek and wail as he proved with the Black Crowes. But really? John Paul and Jimmy, what are you thinking? Seriously, dude, what are you thinking? Now it would be a stretch to call my own opinion of Zep "lukewarm". Even so, Zep without Plant is like Van Halen without Roth. At best this will be another Van Hagar, and more likely would be a Van Cherone. When Queen toured with Paul Rodgers, they at least called it "Paul Rodgers and Queen", and said "No, he sounds nothing like Freddie, and we don't want him to. And we're playing some Bad company songs too. It's a different deal." But there's just no way you can have Zeppelin without Plant. One of the things many Zep fans keep saying is that they knew when to pack it in and bow out gracefully. I say they should have pulled the plug after "Presence" that we may have been spared from "In through the out door". Now this? Why? This is as bad as KISS with scabs dressed as Ace Frehley and Peter Criss. Maybe even worse. I know they don't need the fucking money. Why on earth would they drag one of the most venerated musical franchises in history through the bog? No good, dudes. No good. This will go over like the "lead zeppelin" mentioned by Moonie 40 years ago. Actually, this will be more like the Hindenberg, but much, much funnier. I hope the plug gets pulled before you do this. And if not, I hope your reputations never, ever, ever, ever recover.

HATE IT! part 3 - Damien Jurado

I do not own nor have I even listened to any of his albums. I have, however, been subjected to a few minutes of his live show. How did this happen? I went to see Subset at the Break Room (now Chop Suey) on Capitol Hill in Seattle. I paid to get in. I bought a beer. Then this fucking fat pile of shit got up on stage. Subset had been canceled and replaced by this guy, this second coming of Pedro the Lion, this subliminal worship musician with a hymnal full of angsty bullshit and a pocketful of unresolving chord progressions for added "tortured" cred. Now, Subset consisted of The presidents of the USA with Sir Mix-a-lot. What kind of bait and switch horseshit is that? Is it even possible to find a replacement who's musically any farther removed than Jurado is to those guys? I guzzled my beer as fast as possible and walked up to the doorman. I pointed to the stage and said "I'd like my money back. I mean, DUDE." He glanced at the "no refunds" sign and shook his head. "Yeah, this is some bullshit. Here's your money." I thanked him and went on my way. That was 8 years ago and I haven't patronized that establishment since. If I ever see Jurado walking down the street I'm gonna throw a fucking brick at his balls. One pedro was two too many. Two pedros is like walking in on Amy Grant taking a shit in the middle of your living room floor while she plays Ida on your stereo. Then when you've tossed her out and everything's clean again, you want to go to bed but you notice she's wiped boogers all over your pillows and on your toothbrush.

HATE IT! part 2 - It's hard to find a friend

Pedro the fucking lion. It's hard to find a friend, is it? It must be when you sound like this. I really hate this album, and this band in general, for 2 reasons. The first is that this album sounds like a junkie nodding off on smack. The second is that it's god-rock subtly wrapped up in some kind of late-90s hipster disguise. Fuck you, Pedro, for boring me to death, and fuck you again for springing Jesus on me in the middle of it all. Fuck you.