R.E.M. - Automatic for the people

Hurgh. There was a time, years ago, when I thought I liked REM. I'd heard all their "singles", and a couple of their albums all the way through, and I liked what I'd heard. Then it was 1993, I was 16 and in my girlfriend's bedroom making out. She put this fucking CD on and my boner was CRUCIFIED. I could not conceive how it was possible for anyone to make such a collection of morosity and concentrated ick, let alone a band that I'd thought I'd liked. Of the 12 tracks on this messy platter, only one sounded good at the time, and that was "Man on the moon". I still like that song OK. But you can't help but look at this album as the piece of shit it is: "Man on the moon" is the diamond ring you've been hoping would come out the other end of your dog after he ate it. Once that's been picked out and cleaned off, what's left? A fresh turd smashed and smeared all over your kitchen table. I've debated the merits of this one with various people over the years and one of the things that keeps getting brought up and tossed in my face is John Paul Jones' contributions in arranging the string bits, as if JOHN PAUL JONES is going to somehow lend it any quality in my eyes. And if a song is terrible, will string parts somehow make it great, or at least elevate it to some level of listenability? NO. Not even in disco does that happen, and disco has a lot of strings. Of course, everyone who hates this band or this album focuses their ire on "everybody hurts" because it's obviously one of the most infuriatingly crap songs of all time, and it gets used all the time in cheesy TV and movies when some lame breakup happens between lame people, (cue post-breakup "better times" montage) which is extra annoying. It makes a convenient target because of its exposure, but the rest of the album is just as bad. Should I really get in the weeds with it? Nah, I'll just say that I don't like it, and I don't like it because it's such a downer, and that should be good enough. And when I say "downer", I mean it literally as well as figuratively. I mean, any record that can make a 16 year old's dick go limp when he's got 2 (tits) in the hand and his face in a bush is a powerful bummer indeed. An F+. The plus is for the song about Latke.